I’ve mentioned before somewhere here that I used to be dragged on family fun hikes. And while I enjoy the outdoors now, I’m going to tell you now, privately, that I really hated all those mandatory family + whatever outings I had as a kid.

This is bringing up some issues now, because I am a parent, and now whenever there are any family outings, or talk of vacation my whole body shuts down. More context, my father is emotionally immature and whenever we spend time together it feels like I’m having to mother him. My own mother, on the other hand I don’t speak to anymore. So, yeah.

About two years ago my partner wanted to take our kiddo to Niagara Falls. And frankly it sucked. He snores and we all had to share a room. Our kiddo doesn’t sleep well, so no one slept well and we were together all the time. We were there for two nights, three days and on the second day our two-year-old said he wanted to go home. And I did too. But for some reason my partner really wanted to stick to the plan and then we stayed the third day. Ugh. Never again.

So now two and a half years later, we have not had a family vacation together since. And I’m so grateful because its just parenting somewhere else. And moreover, I’ve realised that the reason I don’t like family stuff now, is because I never liked it in the past. And my body is just reliving the past, in the present time.

So here’s my dilemma. I was forced (Seemingly) to play tennis with my mother while growing up. An din my foggiest memories I recall wanting to go to the courts with her but inevitably would end up in an argument or in a foul mood. I didn’t like spending time with her, and now as an adult I think I know why. She has a hard time with feelings and staying regulated. So on the court, if I got hungry or thirsty and then cranky (as kids do!) she probably internalized it and then became grumpy herself. Which isn’t what a kid needs or deserves.

But now, with the explosion of tennis post covid and the ease of using tennis court booking software to find a court, I’m not sure what I should do with my kiddo.

One on hand, doing things you don’t want to do as a kid is good. I played piano for a long time, then switched to trumpet. Now as a 40-year-old I still relay on my music training as a kid to learn some Florence and the Machine.

Additionally, I can pick up the racket and play anywhere anytime. Because I sat through lessons and was made to hit the ball back and forth with my mother over the years. So what do I do with my kid? Force him? Don’t?

I don’t want him growing up unable to play an instrument or a sport. And I think some degree of uncomfortableness is needed to create resilient kiddos, but where’s the balance?

I think the broader question is, I am the person I created? Or my parents? Do I like the outdoors simply because I do? Or is it because of the family fun hikes? Am I sporty because my mother made me? Or is it my own desires?

I don’t know.